A full pantry

I don't typically have a lot of groceries in my house. It's been more of a "what can I make work" situation than "look at the options that are available to me."

My car is quite the pessimist too as it usually stays below half empty.

I feel like I have always been very open with the fact that this transition into a new career was difficult, both financially and mentally. Having gone through bankruptcy, money is something that I have an unreasonable amount of anxiety about, as I'm sure most people who struggle with money can relate to.

A follower of my blog reached out to me by sending a letter that I had time to read last night. Her husband has struggled with similar situations in regards to mental health, and she wanted to let me know that I was not alone in my struggle with depression. She also expressed how she was proud of me for not only recognizing the struggle I faced with mental health, but also that I was actively trying to find a way to overcome them. 

A single random act of kindness transformed yesterday. I was not feeling well and had been throwing up at work all day, and I'm pretty sure two people that I talked to invented new words to insult me because they couldn't tell me enough "you and your company can fuck off". I came home shaking ill, frustrated, and terribly hangry (the type of hungry where you become angry at everything because you are THAT hungry). Hailie can attest to the fact that I'm unpleasant to be around when I get hangry, so she was giving me a little bit of space, and that's when I saw the letter on the kitchen table.

She took the time to write me a letter, put it in the mail, and make it personal. In a world where people won't write letters, she did. I responded with the first letter I've written in years. It gave me a distinct appreciation of what kindness can look like.

I wish today had a better story. With all of the frustrations I had today at school, I was planning on writing a long story about XYZ, with a giant explanation on how things didn't go according to a certain preconceived plan I wanted to have control over a situation where I was helping someone else. But I'm not going to do that because at the end of the day I'm not here to put others in a bad light. After taking a little time reflecting on the day, ultimately I was trying to have control over a situation where I was trying to help someone, and I need to learn to roll with the punches a bit more. I'm here to learn, so my lesson for today is to take a step back from the situation and realize I need to control my emotions and not let my emotions control me.

Karlo has been talking to me the past few weeks about Hailie's ex-husband. He (the ex-husband) and Hailie are still acquainted, and I abhor it. It's a disgusting taste in my mouth that I want nothing more to expel with fervor. To be blunt, I have no respect for him and borderline hate the guy based on the way he treated her in the past. I completely recognize the fact that he is a different person than who he was 8 years ago. He even has tried to build a bridge on multiple occasions to bury the hatchet between the two of us. Again, I don't care. 

Hailie has pointed out to me that I'm the only one holding on to the grudge, and I've mentioned that to Karlo. He encourages me to forgive, and I keep responding to him with the same statement. "Hating him is a cancer that will likely put me in an early grave from the amount of energy I put towards the disgust I feel, and I openly accept and embrace that." He is a regular at the barbershop I go to, and that fact alone makes me second guess wanting to work there. Just knowing that I would have to share the same space with him once or twice a month fills me with anguish. 

I'm not saying this is going to be an overnight process, and I'm not saying that I will ever get to a point where I want to go have a beer with the guy, but I have to write this question down. I need to force myself into visualizing this question as something I'm asking myself. I need to do this so I can actually take the amount of time I will need to ponder on it with seriousness. Like I said though, it certainly won't be overnight, but maybe I can find some tranquility through the process.

With so much hate that controls a single aspect of my life, how can I dedicate my life entirely to others?